USS Saigon: Chief Engineer's Personal Log

Posted on Tue Dec 25th, 2018 @ 10:38am by Lieutenant Commander Marcus Clarke III

971 words; about a 5 minute read

Starbase 75
Personnel Quarters
0325 hrs.

"Computer, begin recording personal log.", Marc said, leaning back in his chair. He'd lain in bed for an hour trying to force himself to go back to sleep, and eventually he'd given up. He hadn't even bothered to get dressed, and was still in nothing but his black boxer briefs. On the desk in front of him was a tumbler of cognac on the rocks. Small beads of sweat were forming and running down the sides of the cut crystal. The glasses, and the decanter had been a gift from Margie on their fifteenth anniversary. In his right hand was the cigar he'd cut almost ten minutes ago, but still hadn't lit. She'd always hated the smell of his smoke, and he'd had to get inventive over the years with when, where, and how he was able to sneak the guilty pleasure. Now, he supposed, he could just do it whenever, and wherever he wanted, but still, sitting in a room he'd shared with her for nearly a decade, it felt like a betrayal to sully it with the smoke he knew she'd have hated to smell. Finally he began to speak.

"I finally fell asleep about midnight, and already I'm back up. It's always like this now, or at least almost always. If I don't take a sedative I won't sleep, no matter how tired I am. Sometimes it's a dream, sometimes it's a sensation. I'll be lying there, and suddenly I'll smell her perfume, or the scent of her apple pie baking fresh in the kitchen, or, the one that kills me the most, I'll feel her arms slip around me, and the gentle pressure of her lips pressing against the back of my neck. I'll wake up with a smile on my face, and then the tears will come, and I can't stop them.

"Tonight's my last night here, and I'm hoping once I get to the Saigon it'll finally stop. I spoke with Counselor Tavares today, and he expressed concern about my new posting. He thinks because there's a family onboard I won't be able to cope, but I've already told him, families don't bother me. If they did I damn sure wouldn't be able to handle being on a starbase. Everywhere I look there's families here, Starfleet and Civilian. He warned me that it will be different on a small ship, but I really can't worry about that now. I can't stay here. I can't stay in these quarters. This bedroom is a nightmare for me. I found her here, and I can't keep lying down in the same room she died in.

"The transfer has been approved for a week now, I can't imagine what's taken him so long to bring it up. But I've made up my mind. If I don't leave I'm going to lose my mind. The kids may be grown, but I can't do that to them. They've already lost their mother, they can't lose me too. That would just be too cruel. So, I've got to move on.

"My shuttle should be here in about two hours. Everything's already packed.", he said, glancing towards the doors to the room where his duffle bag sat, the Starfleet delta symbol emblazoned on the jet black fabric in glittering gold. "It's sad to think that a lifetime of memories, and all of my belongings fit in one bag...", he added, trailing off.

Picking up the crystal glass he sipped the ice cold liquid, feeling it freeze his tongue, and then burn his throat as he swallowed. "On the up side, I'll be closer to James for a little while. The Portland is in the same sector as Starbase Port Royale on some sort of mission. I'm not sure what kind, but he said he'd come see me if at all possible. For once I actually believe he'll do it. Margie's death hit him really hard.

"I'm not so sure about Angela. I think she's a lot like me, and she's trying to keep it all to herself. I hope she figures out how dangerous that is a whole lot earlier than I did. If she knew how close I came to joining her mother because I wouldn't talk to anyone she'd head to the closest counselor at a dead run. She's a smart girl though, and I think she's got someone in her life, so I hope she's at least opening up to him.

"I handed the reigns over to Thom last night. I think he'll do a good job. He's a smart guy, and he loves that engineering section like it's his baby. Hell, based on how I've been for the past couple of months it's in better hands than it has been for a good long while.", he said, sipping on his drink again.

With a deep sigh he tossed back the rest of the liquor, and threw the still unlit cigar down on the desk, placing the glass down beside it as he stood up. "For now, everything's done. I can't think of anything else to say, so I'm going to try to get another hour of sleep, and then head out to see if it's possible to start a life all over again this late in the game. End log.", he said, and hit the control button to turn the light over the desk off, plunging the room into blackness.

As he lay back down and pulled the covers up he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep, he'd already caught a whiff of her perfume, and he'd have sworn he could feel the warmth of her lying beside him, her chest rising and falling softly with each breath. As he closed his eyes he felt the first tears start to run down his face...

 

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